The Case of Butterflies

There are these moments I've been having lately. I don't plan them. Sometimes it is when I am thinking; sometimes it is when my mind is blank. At first they were sporadic. They came and went quickly, but as my countdown gets closer and closer to zero I keep having more of these moments for longer periods of time and they scare me. I know when they arrive because I feel my stomach drop, like I just fell out of a 100 story building without a parachute. Sometimes they feel like I just got punched in the gut, or like there is a colony of butterflies that made a cozy little home in my tummy. My heart beats faster and I get nervous... really nervous. These moments are when I realize that I am going to Chile. These are the moments when I realize my life isn't a dream, but this is really happening. They are when I realize that I am going to Chile for 18 months, not for just a visit or vacation but to live there, to teach there, to thrive in the culture and fall in love with the people all while serving God. They are when I look pictures of missionaries and realize that is going to be me or when I think that I will be teaching in a different language that I have no idea how to speak. They are when I look at my family and nieces and nephews and realize I won't see them for a year and a half. They are when I realize that my life is going to drastically change in 54 days.

I've had my mission call for almost 3 months now yet it still feels like a dream. I go through the motions. People ask how long I'm back home for, or they ask when I leave on my mission. The answer is always the same. I could probably record myself. Sometimes people ask me if I'm excited. I usually say yes because how awful would it be if I said no. They would probably think I didn't want to serve the Lord or something. A mission was always something that old people do. I remember looking up at the sisters/elders that left from my ward and thinking how OLD they were and not married. Missions were the last resort for sisters. And now I am able to serve a mission... not even able, I am serving a mission. (Don't worry my perspective on serving missions has changed since I was kid) It is weird. I still feel like I shouldn't be old enough for this yet. Aren't I still 12? That's what my brain keeps telling me, or in the words of my sister 'I'm not big enough'. And I have definitely not grown a foot or two.

Let me be honest I am terrified/nervous/anxious to serve a mission, not because I lack the faith to serve my Lord because that is why I am going, because I love God, but because I have no idea what to expect. When people ask me if I am excited I timidly say yes, but I really don't know what I am getting myself into. I know that there will be rules, guidelines, and things that I will do on my mission like have a companion, teach lessons, ride a bike but those are only so informative. I want to know how I am going to handle it, how I am going to adapt and if I can handle it. I wonder what kind of missionary I am going to be. I don't want to fail. I want to give it my all. Yup you are probably thinking, 'Man Emily have a little faith in yourself'. I know missions are awesome experiences. The majority of return missionaries wouldn't change that experience for they world. But I know there are going to be disappointments, heartbreaks, frustrations and days where I am so broken and worn out that the only thing I can do is fall to my knees and literally cry to my Father in Heaven. I am nervous about that. I am nervous that my faith won't be strong as I think it is. I afraid that I will want to give up, because I don't want to give up. I want to give the Lord my whole life for the next 18 months. I know that these little moments will only become more frequent as my departure date becomes closer, but as human and scared I am, I know that Heavenly Father will be leading me by the hand my whole mission. He will never leave me. He will not let me fail if I allow Him to lead me. I just have to have enough faith in Him that things will work out according to His plan no matter how disappointing they seem at the time. I am reminded of a quote "Your future is as bright as your faith" -President Thomas S. Monson.

Anywho enough of my babbling. For those of you that actually read this you get a prize. Some of my mission pictures :) Enjoy!

P.S. This is my 200th post! Woohoo!