5 Step Recovery Program... for RMs

After much observation I've come to conclude that there is a specified missionary detox program for newly return missionaries. There are almost always the same, although length differs slightly and some steps may swap.

Step 1- The Bromance. You would think that after spending the last 2 years of your life with a companion that you may or may not have liked you would be thrilled that you finally didn't have to hang out with males and you could hug girls, yet almost all RM's rekindle the bromance they had as premies. You know what they say 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder'. Or perhaps girls scare them; boys don't have cooties. I'm not quite sure, but it happens.

Step 2- The Over-active Member. We all see those RM's that are at every single church event. They go to way more church then they have to and are still begging for more. Their little brains get confused. They think that they actually have to go to everything! This is due to the fact that for the last 2 years they actually had to. 6 hours of church was nothing if investigators showed up. Volunteer for every opening and closing prayer... okay! Home teach all the inactive member... bring it on! Then they realize that you can actually have a social life outside of church sanctioned events.

Step 3- The Mountain-Man. After looking pristine and cleanly shaven for the past 2 years it dons on RM's that they don't have to shave, so they don't. Whether because of a bet made during the bromance or the want to test their manhood and not look like a missionary anymore, it happens. Whatever the case though caveman look doesn't last very long once they realize that it is itchy and girls don't like kissing it which brings us to....

Step 4- The Romantic Story That Ends Tragically. Along comes a girl. She walks into church and the RM is smitten. He takes the missionary approach and bluntly asks her out, which in most cases turns out awkwardly since the real world does not equate to the mission field. The girl being kind as she is allows for a few dates. She even likes him and thinks about dating him more seriously... until he starts talking about how his mission president wants him to get married or his awkwardness get to be too much. Then she runs for the door and the return missionary is heartbroken, never to love again... well at least for a while. He hates girls and loathes dating so returns to the safety of his bromance to heal.

Step 5- The Entrepreneur. Sometime during the mission they had a vision. Some sort or business they thought about for the last 2 years while they were wondering around with their companions. Don't worry though, it will definitely be successful. All of his companions and ward members heard about it and this it is a great idea. Now if only to make it reality. But they are determined... it will work. Forget about schooling, just start a business in a different country.


*Please note that these steps took many years of observations and have been verified with return missionaries themselves. Although every person is different. Some RMs swiftly move through some stages and get stuck at others, but they are almost all there.